| Article Perspective: |
- Why Self-Esteem is a Sickness
and what you can do about it
- Self Acceptance versus Self Esteem
- Everyone can benefit from reading this article: people in
business,
parents, teenagers, children, alike
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Edited version of
"Overcoming Self-Esteem and
Psychotherapy" From the book Science Shams & Bible
Bloopers; Copyright, 2000, by David Mills: reprinted with
the kind permission of David Mills
Thirty years ago, when a person complained of depression or unhappiness,
helpful friends or therapists might have offered the following
counsel: "Don't dwell on your own misfortune. Try instead to become
creatively absorbed into outside interests and external activities. Stop
obsessively contemplating your own navel. Develop rewarding
interpersonal relationships. Get your mind off yourself. If you merely
focus attention elsewhere, then your self-centered emotional problems
will die of neglect."
Today, however, the same individual, suffering the same depression or
unhappiness, would likely hear radically different -- and quite
contradictory -- suggestion and guidance, such as this: "Stop worrying
about other people. Try instead to build up your own sense of
self-worth. Take pride in yourself! Work toward elevating your own
self-respect and enhancing your self-image. Your feelings of unhappiness
and depression will surely evaporate if you only esteem yourself more
highly!"
Clearly, something monumental has changed in popular advice given the
forlorn. Instead of espousing, as we did previously, that mental health
is realized through lucid interpretation and interaction with the
external world, we now seem preoccupied with the wholly internal effort
to elevate our own self-appraisal. Forget our former effort to
objectively perceive the empirical universe; today we simply want to
feel good about ourselves. It has become irrelevant whether an
individual's critical reasoning accurately maps external reality. All
that matters is his internal self-image.
Despite lofty sermons deifying self-esteem the average person is as
confused as ever (perhaps more so!) about his so-called "self-value."
Our blind devotion to self-esteem has become a virtual religion!
Because of this shift in popular emphasis -- from external preoccupation
to internal self-contemplation -- we find our libraries and bookstores
stacked with radically different self-help texts from those published a
few decades ago. Each new volume peddles a "breakthrough technique" or
"revolutionary method" for conquering man's ever-present doubts about
his "true" value. Best-selling books, such as I'm OK, You're OK, and its
many clones, have sought to instill within the doubtful individual a
belief that, although he may not be perfect, he is at least okay -- and
can thus bestow upon himself a modest allotment of self-respect and
happiness.
Yet, despite the wide distribution of such popular texts, and despite
our tireless efforts to build within ourselves and our children a sense
of self-worth, it seems, today, that the average person is as confused
as ever (perhaps more so!) about his so-called "self-value." Our lofty
sermons deifying self-esteem have produced few if any tangible results.
In practical terms, the average person doesn't know what to believe
about himself nor how he is supposed to establish such a "positive
self-image." The entire concept of "personal worth" has become
hopelessly ill-defined and philosophically empty.
Unfortunately, the entire discussion in psychological circles has now
focused on how best to teach self-esteem, rather than on whether
self-valuation is emotionally healthy. Our blind devotion to self-esteem
has become a virtual religion, a religion in which the worshiper and the
worshiped are the same individual! The nobility of self-esteem has
become a sacred, unchallenged article of faith. And just as the
non-Christian is perceived as immoral by the Fundamentalist believer, so
too the proposal to abandon self-esteem must appear a dangerous and
obscene heresy to those preaching the self-esteeming gospel.
Instead of stimulating genius and creativity, however, the theology of
self-esteem more often results in severe behavioral inhibition and
debilitating anxiety.
With his entire self-worth at stake, the average individual will
desperately avoid all "dangerous" situations wherein his self-esteem is
vulnerable to loss.
We tend to ascribe many of our social maladies -- notably the drug
problem -- to a lack of self-esteem among teenagers. Criminals, we say,
have little self-respect; otherwise they would not behave as they do.
Religious institutions especially have proposed an inextricable link
between morality and self-respect. A person without self-respect is
thought to be a person without ethical standards. It is popularly
believed that the pauper, the downtrodden, and the homeless individual
put himself in his sorry condition through a lack of self-pride: "Pride
goes before a fall." We harbor no doubt that a fallen man, completely
unaided, can pick himself up by the bootstraps, if he only regains his
self-esteem.
Your choice, rather, is between establishing an overall self-image and
establishing no self-image.
View your external actions and traits as desirable or undesirable, but
abstain from esteeming or damning yourself as a whole.
Why, then, should we abandon self-esteem?
Isn't such an idea fundamentally flawed, if not downright immoral?
Wouldn't society soon wither and decay if such a twisted suggestion were
adopted? How could a person conceivably enjoy his life without some
measure of self-esteem?
Let's begin with a precise definition of terms:
- When we say that an individual has self-esteem -- or self-respect,
self-love, self-admiration, or self-worth -- we do not mean that
he values himself without proposed justification.
- We do not mean, in other words, that his self-esteem is unearned
or unconditional.
- No, people tend to view themselves positively for a reason,
usually because they perceive, correctly or incorrectly, that they
possess admirable personal traits (e.g., intelligence, creative
talent, physical attractiveness) or because they have enjoyed
outstanding personal achievement (e.g., graduated from college,
married well, landed a prestigious job).
- Self-esteem, it appears, comes through perceived individual
accomplishment or through supposed possession of desirable
personal characteristics. This is often referred to as
Conditional Self Esteem
Key Point #1: Self-esteem must, in some way, be earned.
Not only must an individual's self-esteem be earned, it must be
reinforced repeatedly and tirelessly if it is to survive within his
psychological framework.
As an illustration, think for a moment about your own personal
achievements.
Select three lifetime accomplishments of which you are most proud. Take
ample time; give this question careful reflection before continuing . .
. Now, after recalling your three most celebrated successes, ask
yourself this question:
"How long did I esteem myself following each of these achievements?"
Your probable answer: "Not very long."
Key Point #2: Self-esteem must be earned repeatedly. It is never permanent.
If self-esteem is realized through the successful completion of a
particular task or goal, and if additional achievement must be eternally
forthcoming, then it follows logically that all of us mortal human
beings live in constant peril of losing our self-esteem, for at any
moment, we may fail to perform adequately our exalted task. Worse yet,
we may neglect to maintain those character traits or the desired
physical appearance which we have so thoroughly incorporated into our
personal tabulation of self-worth.
Key Point #3: Self-esteem leads intermittently to self-damnation.
Even if we grant that a compulsion for self-esteem occasionally brings
forth adverse side effects, doesn't the average individual still derive
much more benefit than harm through pursuing a positive self-image?
Isn't the small price worth paying?
The short answer to this question is, NO, the price usually is not worth
paying. The expense we incur for esteeming ourselves is by no means
limited to feelings of humiliation when failing. If that were the case
-- if the only unpleasant consequence of self-esteem were an occasional
feeling of disgrace when failing -- then one could legitimately argue
that self-esteem often benefits individuals who are exceptionally
successful, attractive, or talented. Artistic individuals, we say, are
motivated by pride in their creative projects. If a person paints a
breathtaking masterpiece or writes a poignant novel, then surely he will
esteem himself; and it is this sought-for feeling of glorification and
achievement that seems to inspire many creative pursuits.
To a limited extent, the drive for self-esteem probably does spur some
individuals to productive and creative activity. This reality, in fact,
seems to be a popular "selling point" for self-esteem. Instead of
stimulating genius and creativity, however, the theology of self-esteem
more often results in severe behavioral inhibition and debilitating
anxiety. With his entire self-worth at stake, the average individual
will desperately avoid all "dangerous" situations wherein his
self-esteem is vulnerable to loss.
Key Point #4: Self-esteem usually promotes social and behavioral inhibition.
I don't mean to suggest that a philosophy of self-esteem inevitably
leads to passive behavior; for, clearly, such an assertion would be
absurd. Even the most timid person occasionally throws caution to the
wind and accepts the challenge of new adventure. Sadly, however, this
person's actual enjoyment of his bold adventure will usually be minimal.
His anxieties, moreover, will often be intense, for he still believes
devoutly that his entire value as a human being depends upon success at
this new activity or relationship. And with so much at stake, with so
much riding on success, he cannot possibly enjoy the intrinsic pleasures
of the moment. He lives in constant terror of "making a fool out of
himself."
Key Point #5: A compulsive drive for self-esteem leads to frequent anxiety.
As an immediate corollary, we deduce then that ...
Key Point #6: Self-esteem- related anxiety is an obstacle to achieving
those goals essential to our self-esteem!
We now find ourselves boxed-in completely. If our self-worth depends
upon external achievement, then naturally we believe that we must
achieve. But if we must achieve, then our anxiety becomes so distressing
and burdensome that we often withdraw from the activities and
relationships that, potentially, we might enjoy the most. We withdraw in
dreadful fear of an ego-crushing failure or rejection. If, however, we
do not withdraw, then our self-esteem-related anxiety often makes our
behavior inept and our social relations inelegant; and when we perceive
these behaviors and relationships to be faltering, we bestow upon
ourselves, not self-esteem, but self-damnation. The self-damnation, in
turn, makes us feel unworthy and incapable of future success. And since
we are "therefore" incapable of ever achieving our chosen goal, we lose
hope and withdraw once again from a potentially enjoyable part of living.
Quite a pickle indeed! But can we somehow escape our boxed-in
predicament? Is there an alternative to this self-defeating philosophy?
Yes! We can help ourselves immeasurably toward greater happiness and
emotional stability. We can overcome rapidly our needless anxieties,
while profoundly enriching our enjoyment of life. We can conquer our
social and behavioral inhibitions with surprisingly meager effort. Yes,
we can indeed annihilate our self-sabotaging philosophy, but only if we
are willing to pay the price. That is the all-important point, so I'm
going to say it twice. We definitely can prevail over anxiety and
inhibition, but only if we are willing to make a sacrifice: surrendering
our compulsive drive for self-esteem. There is no other way to help
ourselves in this regard.
We are easily misled, however. We simplemindedly think that we can get
something for nothing -- that somewhere there is a Garden of Eden, where
bountiful fruit may be harvested without corresponding work or
sacrifice. Through the physical sciences, we learn that energy cannot be
created out of nothing. In economic theory, we know that "there is no
free lunch." And it is equally naive to propose that genuine emotional
or psychological benefit may be realized without some expenditure of
work or sacrifice. In my opinion, this is why the "positive self-image"
manuals usually fail to help the reader. These books claim to remedy
self-condemnation without extracting the corresponding sacrifice of
self-esteem. The reader, in other words, is promised something for nothing.
So, remember:
Key Point #7: To overcome self-esteem-related anxiety and inhibition,
recognize that your choice is not between self-esteem and
self-condemnation.
Your choice, rather, is between establishing an overall self-image and
establishing no self-image. View your external actions and traits as
desirable or undesirable, but abstain from esteeming or damning yourself
as a whole. In practice, the average person appears to spend only a
scant few moments each day consciously tabulating his "self-value"
(though these brief periods of self-appraisal are quite sufficient to
establish and reinforce an overall psychological inclination toward
self-rating.) He spends most of his hours, however, observing his
external environment and trying to do something interesting or
productive within that environment. If, then, he already spends most of
his time not contemplating his self-worth, why can he not, through
resolution and industry, eliminate virtually all of his self-image? The
answer, of course, is that he can eliminate his self-image, once he
recognizes that such an absence of self-image is possible and is, in
fact, preferable to his frequent anxiety and inhibition.
Other members of the Animal Kingdom do not seem to ruminate much over
their "self-value." One rarely sees a self-esteeming alligator or a
self-despising kangaroo. Animals, other than man, seem completely
content as egoless creatures, simply observing the outside world. They
seem entirely free from the anxieties and hang-ups suffered so often by
their self-centered human cousins.
It may be argued convincingly that other animals are intellectually
inferior to man and thus possess no capacity for self-esteem. Perhaps
so, but the "dumb" animals also possess no capacity for astrology, for
superstition, nor for bigotry. Neither do the "inferior" animals devote
themselves fanatically to a crackpot religion. So it is amply apparent
that the superior human intellect often invents and adheres to unhealthy
philosophical systems. It is just possible that the philosophy of
self-esteem fits neatly and properly into that category.
Please note that this article does not seek to replace the medical
treatment of clinical depression and other clinical mental disorders.
For more information on clinical depression and other clinical mental
disorder please refer to www.beyondblue.org.au
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16 September 2004, 7.00pm: Glen Eira Business Women's Network
Topic: Is the strive for success wearing you out?
Where: Glen Eira Town Hall, the Caulfield Room.
- Are you caught trying to constantly prove yourself rather than
enjoying the journey and learning more from life's ups and downs?
- Are you seeking balance, enjoyment, contentment ... and wondering
why your hardly, if ever, get there?
- re you caught up in the conditional self esteem manifesto ... only
feeling good about yourself when you "do good"?
Come and join Sue Barrett and Dr Penny Brabin in a highly interactive
workshop designed to examine how we define success & failure. This
session will help us put into perspective our relationship to success
and failure as it relates to our whole self - the personal and the
professional. It will show why our compulsive drive for "self esteem"
is anxiety provoking, socially inhibiting, and self sabotaging. It will
explore the expectations imposed on us by ourselves and others and
introduce strategies we can use to help our "whole self" remain intact
even when we fail.
Sue Barrett Managing Director, Barrett Consulting Group
Sue's personal vision is: "to inspire & promote personal, organisational
& community success by helping people develop a deeper understanding &
respect of self & others whilst being socially aware & responsible.
Known for her direct no nonsense practical approach to people
performance, Sue demystifies the practices around effective work
performance and communication making sure people understand what it
takes to achieve real and sustainable performance. In recognition of
her entrepreneurship, Sue was inducted into the Businesswomen's Hall of
Fame for the year 2000, was a finalist in both the 1998 and 2001 Telstra
Business Woman of the Year Awards and the company won the 1997 Telstra
and Victorian Government Small Business Award.
Dr. Penny Brabin PhD, MAPS; Consulting Psychologist.
Dr Penny Brabin is a consulting Psychologist specialising in Anger
Management, Anxiety & Stress Management, Grief & Loss, Parenting, Trauma
& Post Traumatic Stress Disorders. Penny is also a founder of SANDS
https://www.sands.org.au/ a support group for parents who have lost a
baby. She is well know for her practical work, training and public
speaking seminars on people's reactions to events and how they cope.
Penny is the National Chair and Victorian Chair for the Australian
Psychological Society and Treasurer for the Australian Institute of
Rational Emotive Therapy.
New Barrett Team Member
Welcoming Catherine Brown to the Barrett Consulting Group Team
Catherine is an experienced administrator with a background in Human
Resources and Training Administration. A graduate of Melbourne
University, with a Bachelor of Arts (hons) degree majoring in
Psychology and Criminology, Catherine's main area of interest is the
relation between human behaviour and performance, and specifically, how
training and development can improve individual and group performance.
Prior to joining Barrett Consulting Group, Catherine worked with RACV
supporting their Human Resources team - where her passion for training
and development was ignited. Catherine is also interested
in employee relations, and how policy and workplace conditions affect
performance and productivity. Catherine is a valuable addition to
our team and her contributions will be a great asset to ourselves and
our clients now and into the future.
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